Picking up where I left off.

I just quit from my job. It has been eighteen days since I heard the voice of someone with a tinge of Korean accent. My skills of correcting sentences and listening have become quite dull despite not practicing it for only a short period of time. I miss my students terribly but I am not crazy about waking up at three in the morning and having my first meal by ten.

I am currently processing papers and filing them to fulfill the requirements of working abroad. I decided to use my teaching skills on a global scale-not really global, but I will soon be Vietnam-based. My sister tried her luck last year and was able to be successful. I accompanied her and took the opportunity to see Ho Chi Minh. We went there in May and boy was the timing wrong. It was sweltering.

Twenty-seventeen came, my friend and I decided we would try our luck in Vietnam too. However, since my sister is already conquering the southern city, I chose to discover the city that is yet to be marked as my territory.

Anxiety is my biggest foe right now. Insecurity also started creeping in my system. Hopefully, these go away once I settle in Hanoi.

Frustrations and Self-Doubt

At last, I have enrolled myself in the tailoring course I have been babbling about in the past few months. It was very fulfilling and I feel more productive than before. Now, I have the reason to actually get out of the house and spend a good four hours with different people from different walks of life. All of them have interesting stories to tell and because I am an inquisitive listener, most of my time would be spent on different topics that would amaze or make me laugh.

That makes me loathe myself as I should be paying attention on the task given to me and yet, there I am, going around and mingling. It should be a good thing however, it also affects others that would want to get the job done. I do not want to become a person they would avoid because I have become a distraction to them.

Another thing is the sewing machine operation and the proper folding of the cloth I am working on. I already made more than 5 prototypes and all of them are not impressive. I waste too much resource. I do not want to become a disappoint both to myself and my parents.

However, in every gray cloud is a silver lining. I was to make many great friends and perhaps, potential connections in the future. Plus, these people are willing to help me and teach me all the know-hows of the industry I am trying to pursue. I just hope I wouldn’t give up before I reach my goal.

“We are in a country where we cannot do the things we love. We can only do things that we have to in order to survive. Now, you have to do the things you have to do, in order to do the things you love.”

Time to set my priorities straight.

I have been staying at home for almost 2 years now. The job I had last time was home-based. Because of that, I feel like I am really living under a rock this whole time. Despite being on the internet for so long everyday, I only limit myself on certain topics and news that interests me. So I end up not really having a wide horizons. I also become more complacent with what I should become.

I already sent applications to one of the biggest company in the Philippines for an operations assistant position and so far, they haven’t turned be down nor accepted me so I am in a kind of a limbo. I don’t like it.

My faith to the God I believe in has also dwindled because of the many disappointments I brought to myself. I know it is my fault for not surrendering and holding on to Him when I needed it most. I feel empty inside really. I laugh when the situation asks for it. But most of the time, I tear up to the pettiest reason there is. I cannot call it depression, perhaps, emotional and sensitive?

Right now, I want to start up to pick up myself and set my priorities straight. I should have one goal and that is to make sure to come back to Him. I also want to do things that will glorify Him. Guarding my heart is the best for me for now. I have to start logically as well. Hopefully, with the help of God’s grace, I will be able to change into a better person. I know it will take a long time and I might stumble in the future again but I will ask for help from Him so I can stand up right away.

I will have to make a decision by next week, after my trip with my mom to the province.  Should I study TESOL? Go back to the original plan of taking a Tailoring course or take a different path and become a hotel attendant. I hope the Lord will reveal His plans to me soon. I should base my decisions on what the Bible says.

P.S.

I should go back to school for my diploma and Transcript of Records. I think I should start from there.

P.P.S.

I don’t know if I should be too serious with myself or still be the funny person that everyone knows I am.

An Unexpected Bump on the Road

It’s been a long time since I wrote something here. I have been bumming for about 4 months now. It’s very hard because I am become more lethargic as the days pass. I have nothing to do except laze around. Most of the time, I am in my room. I wanted to help more around the house but all my efforts of cleaning and organizing always becomes useless. I have expressed this before about living with alpha-males in the form of my father and brother. The concept of cleaning after your own mess is something foreign to them. Also, my sister, whom I expect to help me clean and keep everything nice also contributes to the dirt accumulating everywhere. The only people really making an effort to make this house a comfortable home is my mom, me and occasionally, my other older brother.

Due to the boredom I feel, I resort to staying up wee hours of the morning and waking up late as well. I might end up becoming addicted to a form of habit which won’t be divulged here as I want to keep this one family friendly. It is really hard being a bum at home. At first, I liked the concept but as time passes by, I’m becoming more miserable. I need to find a job.

As I’ve mentioned in the previous post, I worked in the ESL industry for 4 years now. It was nice but I want to change it. I want a different nature of work. Recently, I looked for jobs that would only use my organizing skills e.g. office staff; booking coordinator. However, my future in that area seems futile. My resume is not impressive enough. My parents are pushing me to pursue getting a skills training course and I haven’t really given it a clear thought yet. My pride is on the way and the comfort zone I am in is too big.

I really need guidance and ears and heart to listen. I am getting old. My parents are getting old. I need to make sure my name is etched in the society before I reach 30. I am confident I have the potential. I just have to get over that big of a bump on the road to success.

A rerouting of some sort.

And so, my plan of lazing around for a month is thwarted. The money my parents were expecting to be used for my education only caused another disappointment for us. I cannot blame the government though. I can never expect them to change. You should never count your chicks when the eggs haven’t been hatched. Now, we don’t know what money to use on our short trip to Visayas. My family and I will be attending a wedding of a favored cousin of mine. Hopefully, the current conundrum would not be the rain on our parades.

As of yet, I am considering of actually getting employment on call center despite of my stand. My pride would not let me do it but my bank account says otherwise. I also have to make sure I get good benefits so I won’t have the same problem my father has with his pension. It also came to my realization that I should go to another country as the government in the Philippines will not change unless all the people in seat all die together. That would be tragic for them, quite a treat for us, citizens.

in conclusion, there are things in life that come that will leave you like a fish out of water. Be water, as what Bruce Lee says.

The “Me” Generation

As I look back on my previous posts, I came to a realization that all the things I wrote was about me. It was about my happiness, my sadness, frustration and a chock-full of emotions a human being can possibly feel. I began thinking if I am passionate enough or do I care about what others feel or say. Then again, I remember what my blog is all about. It is my own little oyster. It only fits me and it could not even contain due to the size that I have. Even my metaphoric self is very big.

 

One down, two hundred thousand plus more to go.

I couldn’t be happier to confirm my graduation status a week ago. It was one of the most memorable if not the happiest event in my life. I was a little sad though. I was not able to share it with my parents because I can only be accompanied by one person in the graduation venue. To make sure I do not leave one over the other, I brought my brother with me instead. The speech given by the honored guest was very inspiring and I regret my mother not hearing it. I am sure she will feel the same as I was.

As the saying goes, “When it rains, it pours”, that is what I am in right now with my problems and confusion. I thought mid-life crisis has already left my system but I guess not. It went somewhere in the deepest, darkest part of my brain and it came out again to torture me.I thought after graduating, all my problems will be solved and I will be ready to face the next chapter in my life. Boy was I wrong! As of the moment, even my short-term goals seem to be blurry. I don’t know what to do next.

I have long given up taking up tailoring because I don’t really have a career plan in that industry. I decided I will pursue what fed me through the years I started working and that is ESL. Yes, I will better myself in teaching English. I still question myself though if I will be a good one or not. I think 1Q84’s Tengo Kawana and I share something in common. We both are somehow good with what we do but we don’t set our hearts to it. I guess it’s because I am a bit passive and at the same time, I easily get discouraged when others disapprove of what I do.

The only solution I can think of now, is that I should lose at least 10 pounds and then, I will start from there. This period in my lufe will be like the writer’s block for the author before he releases his next novel. I wish the next novel would be better than 1Q84.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

After being in hiatus for more than a month, I finally decided to visit this blog and write a new entry. I was in sort of the dark for a month, not knowing what to do with the process of my graduation application. At last, I got the Certificate of Candidacy that I have been waiting for. Yes I can now proudly (well, not really) declare that I am included in Batch 2014.

The process was never an easy feat for me. I know this kind of predicament would not easily rattle others but I started questioning my own faith and even thought of the easiest, fastest way to die. I know it’s dark but I was really hopeless at the time. I almost always get into arguments with my parents every time they check on the progress of my application. It’s good to have understanding parents that would endure my quirks and temperament. My brothers were also supportive and both are willing to come with me to go back and forth and process my papers. Now that the storm has passed, I can now start on a new journey.

I already expressed to my employers my desire of relinquishing the contract I have with them. They are very understanding about it. I still think of the next move now that I will be turning silver plus one. Another decision will be made soon and a problem or two thousand will surely sprung up but for now, I have to think of solutions of not looking too dark-skinned on pictures because of my post-beach skin.

 

P.S.

One of the best things about being in batch 2014 is the unlimited use of hash tags.

Finding the missing pieces of the puzzle.

 

This graduation application is really stretching my patience to its limits. I might just give it up again and wait for another semester to pass by. I don’t want this to happen though. I have been stuck in a rut for more than 4 years now- having a routine that might turn me into a zombie one day. Yes, it has up’s and down’s but most of the time. it’s static. I am talking about my life by the way. I am out of the “mid-life crisis” because I know what I want and I accepted that it would definitely take time. However, the school where I am currently admitted in, is not working according to my own blueprint. This problem is the boulder to the path I need to trod on.

Tailoring never occurred to me when I was young. I was once young and naive, thinking if I become someone who makes things, I should be making it with my own designs. In short, I also wanted to become a fashion designer. However, due to financial constraints and the way I was brought up, I did not pursue on it. Until recently, my eyes have been opened to reality. The more I get older, the bigger my waistline is becoming. The harder for me to make fashion choices. Even the brands that carry “big” sizes do not fit me. So I thought, why not make my own. It’s a lot of work, and will require patience, but I have been tested before. Making it in three days is not as long as waiting for the process to move on for months.

Another thing that made me consider of taking that course up is that my family lacks tailored clothing. My dad and my older brother both work as college instructors and it is good if they look smart in what they wear. Power-dressing is very important in their industry as one should always exude authority and confidence. It’s like the saying “Fake it ’till you make it!”. I am not saying their bluffing but a good pair of tailored trousers and dress shirt won’t hurt.

Hopefully, before this week ends, I have already settled what I need to settle and finish what has begun. I plan on starting a new journey by June of this year. I still have no idea how I will manage my time. I cannot afford not working but I feel really passionate on learning the basics and complexity of tailoring. I need to start everything right away before my vision, my eyesight, slowly degenerates.